After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

What time does the library open? The voice on the phone asked. “Nine A.M.” came the reply. And what is the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask such a question? Asked the librarian “Not until nine A.M.?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. “No, not till nine A.M..!” the librarian said, “Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?” “Who said I wanted to get in?" The man sighed sadly. “I want to get out.”

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull
it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with
more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet?

A: To stamp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?

A: To stamp out burning ducks.

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering


On their first evening in their new home the bride went in to the kitchen to fix drinks. Five minutes later she came back into the living room in tears.
“What’s the matter, my angel?” asked her husband anxiously.
“Oh, Steven! She sobbed, “I put the ice cubes in hot water to wash them and now they’ve disappeared!”

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"
"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

The oldest joke in the book, but oh well!

Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7 8 9 (Seven Ate Nine, get it?)

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death
experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you
have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon
recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift,
liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she
was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, an ambulance killed her. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of
the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”

One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."